I’ve been avoiding writing this post. I’ve avoided it because I know I will be held accountable just like I am for everything else I write. Accountability is good, but needing to know the “why” to things is a huge struggle, and honestly, letting it go has been a hard ongoing process. As humans, we are naturally inquisitive and want to know why things happen in nature, in our brains, in our bodies, in our relationships, in everything. Curiosity is not a bad thing. It’s led to amazing inventions and innovations that have brought us to our modern era. I could say that I’m just curious about why things are happening in my life and justify asking “why,” but the truth is, it’s more about control than curiosity. I like routines, plans, and clear communication. That makes me a good worker and small business owner. But if something out of the ordinary happens or plans change all of a sudden, my ability to adapt quickly and with a good attitude is lacking. Control slips away and emotions take over, which can lead to some regrettable aftermath.

Right now I’m dealing with a small business that basically flipped within a day due to irreconcilable decisions made by an online platform. I’ve spent almost two months filling out applications, taking any remote work I can get while applying for more stable jobs, doing the few shop orders that come my way, and interviewing for one job so far. The Lord was gracious to direct me in a certain direction for potential jobs but also shared for me to not be discouraged if it takes longer than I hope. And it’s taking longer than I hoped. I’m also trying to prepare for a possible court situation and found out quickly that a lawyer just isn’t feasible due to expensive costs. 

The problem is that I get too focused on what’s not happening (or the way I want them to happen) rather than what is, and I spend time doing things to create a sense of progress because I can’t justify any kind of rest. This is not the right approach, and in my spirit I know it. The Lord has never left me nor forsaken me no matter how many mistakes I’ve made. He’s giving me an opportunity to listen, hear His voice, be patient and wait on His timing. And right now I’ve been the nagging child asking, “Why, why, why?” I want to know the “why” because I want to be in control. I want to provide. I want a sense of purpose. I want to feel important. All this leads to one conclusion: pride. This is my thorn in the side, but unlike Paul who had to keep his, God is giving me the opportunity to change it and get rid of it. I have to choose to pull the thorn out.

Do I have faith that God will do what He said He would do? Do I have faith that He will provide? Will I be content where I am at this moment? Will I take joy in what the Lord has given me: His Word, a family, shelter, food, water, clothing, a garden producing fruit, animals for eggs and meat, land, transportation, electronics, and places to walk to find peace? Will I let go of what others might think about me and hold onto the Lord’s truth in my life? I’ve been praying for God to help me change, but I’ve been resisting the change, falling back into old ways while hoping for a different result. That’s not how it works. In truth, I have an abundance not because I was good enough to get it, but because God has been gracious to bless it. But blessings can be taken away if faithfulness turns into pride trying to take control.

God teaches us so much about Himself when we become a parent or guardian. As children we want to know “why” and think our parents are keeping us from having fun or doing what we want. As we grow up, we realize that we’re protecting our kids or trying to teach them lessons that they may not fully understand until they mature. We want them to trust us because we have gained wisdom along the years and want to help them avoid mistakes or getting hurt. The phrase we all laugh about is that when children say, “Why?” parents like to say, “Because I said so.” We are in authority and expect our children to listen. In the same way, our Heavenly Father, the Creator of all things, loves and disciplines us with the expectation that we understand His authority and know that all He does in our lives is for our good if we place our hope and trust in Him. Control is a self-delusion because the Lord is always in control. That doesn’t mean we don’t make choices or our own mistakes. But in the grand scheme of life, His will is the only constant.

Colossians 3:17 is the verse I’ve chosen to be aligned with my business, and it says, “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” I could be homeless or the highest paid CEO, but if I forsake the Lord in what I do or say, it’s all for nothing. The Lord is not impressed by what job I do, but who I am and who I’m becoming as a believer in Him. I’ve been asking the Lord to help me bear fruit, and right now I’ve been uprooted from where I was and am being replanted somewhere new. Transplants take time, but eventually they grow back strong with the right care and nutrients. I just have to trust that my Master Gardener knows the right place for me.

© Lauren Demuth