“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,  being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” James 1:5-8 (NASB)

“Many are the sorrows of the wicked, But he who trusts in the Lord, lovingkindness shall surround him. Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart.” Psalm 32:10-11

About seven years ago I made a career decision based on the emotions I was experiencing in that moment of my life. I accepted the position before I asked the Lord, believing that I was doing the right thing. Not long after that I began to dread that decision which also coincided with other changes going on in my life at the time. I started to feel anxiety like I hadn’t felt before, and it mentally crippled me to the point where I quit. I was ashamed of myself and all the people I let down, especially my family. I fell into a pit where I believed I belonged because of my failure. It felt like I became fear itself, having no confidence in any task I did. Sometimes I look back on that time and feel embarrassed, but then I’m always reminded of the grace of God. When I reached out to Him even in my shame, He pulled me out of that pit. It was only by His love, grace, and mercy that saved me. 

Part of the problem was that I never let myself fail before because I chose to do things that were within my comfort zone. I grew up with the mindset that failure is not an option. But I realize now that such a mindset is prideful thinking. How can I grow without failure? I learn a lot from gardening because I see how my garden has grown now compared to where it was a few years ago. There is always a new approach or design or change each year to help improve based on past failures. Nothing is ever going to be perfect, and it’s time I learn to rejoice in the imperfections because God still chooses to use them.

I now find myself in another position of change. I thought success was headed in one trajectory, but then it halted almost as quickly as it came. My first instinct was to think that I’ve failed in some way, but this time I had been praying and asking God for direction rather than trying to make decisions on my own. He even was so kind as to give me a heads up that changes were coming. But in full honesty, this change is quite a test for me. I’ve had to be reminded that in the moments where I have taken a leap of faith in my life, the Lord has blessed them. Every time. And yet, I still have doubts creeping into my thoughts. I still worry about what others think. But there’s no excuse for it other than I’m choosing flesh over Spirit when I do that. I’m choosing not to trust God and instead wallow in doubt.

I’ve learned over the years that I need to be honest with myself and not seek shallow encouragement from others. Encouragement is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. I’m referring to my own motives. Do I want to hear the actual truth and be encouraged to grow when it’s hard, or do I want people to encourage me because I’m feeling down that things aren’t going the way I hoped? In other words, do I want people to help me justify my wallowing? That is the wrong motive. Rather, I know what the Word of God says, and it’s staring me right in the face saying that if I ask God for wisdom or for anything that aligns with His will, I must ask “in faith without any doubting” (James 1:5-8) otherwise how can I expect to receive anything from Him? James continues to say that such a person who doubts is “double-minded” and “unstable.” Is that someone I want to be? Of course not! But the truth is, that’s what I’m choosing when I doubt. There’s no need to sugarcoat it or justify it in some kinder way. As Hebrews 4:12 says, “For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” A two-edged sword is a great weapon, but it hurts when you’re on the receiving end of its purpose. Thankfully, this sword is not only meant to pierce and cut away what doesn’t need to be in my life, including doubt, but it also sharpens me if I accept the discipline.

I have to laugh at myself thinking of all the times I’ve asked God to help me become who He’s created me to be, and then I get upset when things start changing in my life. Using the garden analogy, a seed could remain a seed its whole life, but what would that accomplish? It’s meant to grow to make tens, hundreds, and even thousands more seeds after its own kind. It goes through many stages to reach that maturity, including withstanding storms, pests, and even rot sometimes. It requires water and sunlight to maintain growth, or it will die. A seed that stays in a bag in a closet won’t have to go through those things. It’s safe. But it never truly lives to bear the fruit it was created for. 

It can feel scary sometimes to be planted in unknown soil waiting for the right time to sprout. But I already have the Living Water and eternal Sunlight who gives me the strength and courage to weather the storms, fight the pests, and remove the rot. He is all I need to bear fruit. I just need to be willing to be planted where He chooses and trust that is the best place for me to grow. Each season may be different, but He never changes. Life is always changing, but He is the Solid Rock, the foundation on which I can stand even when everything else crumbles around me. It’s time to surrender my pride and doubt to become fully His and bear fruit for His kingdom.

© Lauren Demuth