I can already sense the raised eyebrows and crossed arms. Submit?! We can often handle the word “respect” but “submit” is too much. However, this way of thinking is not Spirit-inspired but rather culture-inspired. In Western cultures, it is rare to hear anyone in society support the notion of hierarchy and submission within the home. And if we’re honest, the church has done a poor job teaching Scripture’s truth on the roles of men and women in the home and in the church. I would argue that the majority of the church has succumbed to culture’s viewpoint rather than the Lord’s. So what is the Lord’s will for the church and our families?
Creation is where everything began for humanity. Genesis 1:26-30 provides a general overview of the creation of man and how we were made in the image of God. We were created male and female and were given dominion over the earth and commanded to be fruitful and multiply. God created all that we would need to survive. Genesis 2 gives us a bit more detail on the creation of man. In verse 7 we read that God formed man from the dust of the earth, breathed life into him, and set him in the garden that He created for man to cultivate. But the Lord saw that it was not good for man to be alone (v. 18) so He decided to make a helper suitable for him. Nothing in creation was suitable for Adam so that Lord caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of his ribs and created Woman from it (vv. 21-22). Verses 23 and 24 state:
“The man said,
‘This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.’
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
We cannot deny from these passages that God created Adam first, and Eve was created from a part of him. We are unique from the rest of creation in a number of ways, but I believe this facet is one of the most striking. Man and woman are joined physically in bone and flesh hence the phrase “they shall become one flesh” in verse 24.
Fast-forward thousands of years to the time of the early church. In Ephesians 5, Paul writes about relationships, and specifically in verses 22-33, he writes about husbands and wives. I have heard professors and preachers use verse 21 to promote mutual submission between husband and wife because it says, “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” If that was the end of the discussion, I could see how this would lead to the idea of mutual submission. But the rest of Paul’s message provides an explanation to verse 21. Let’s read vv. 22-33:
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”
What I love about this passage is how marriage is compared to the relationship between Christ and the church because it shows what love should look like and leaves no room to doubt that there is a hierarchy within the home. In explanation to verse 21, wives are instructed to be subject to their own husbands. In plain language, Paul explains that the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. The church subjects itself to Christ; therefore, the wife is to subject herself to her husband. We wouldn’t say that Christ submits to the church so why do we say that husbands should submit to their wives? Scripture clearly denies this notion. Rather, it should be noted that husbands have a bit more instruction than the wives do because they are to emulate Christ and His love for the church. They ought to love their wives as their own bodies (going back to the creation account in Genesis) and to love sacrificially as Christ did, giving Himself up for the sake of the church. Husbands are given great responsibility in regards to their wives and families. In the same way we submit to Christ because of the love He has demonstrated to us, wives also ought to submit to their husbands.
As we know, no marriage or relationship is perfect. We are sinful beings striving to live righteously in a sinful world. Peter writes to the church in 1 Peter 3:1-7:
“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
Again, I want to reiterate that Peter, just like Paul, is writing to the church. They are instructions for believers and are not condoning abuse in any way. Rather, if a woman’s husband is not in right-standing with God, she’s not being told to point her finger at him and remind him of his faults as our culture often demonstrates. Instead, it is his wife’s behavior- respectful, gentle, quiet, modest- that can help him turn back to God. No words need to be said. We are not supposed to be self-seeking, boisterous, gossiping, nagging women. Often people get bent out of shape when they read “live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.” It is not meant to cause offense, but in truth, emotionally and physically we are weaker. We are led too often by emotions rather than wisdom, which can bleed into how we walk spiritually. When people continue reading, they would see that a husband’s behavior towards his wife is important for his own spiritual life: “show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” That’s quite a powerful statement. If a husband is not doing his part in caring for his wife and being the spiritual leader that he’s meant to be, God may not give heed to his prayers until the situation has been reconciled. Husbands and wives are both responsible to fulfill their God-given roles.
It’s easy to laugh at comedians who talk about husbands fearing their wives because of their many moods and whims. We even hear such quips from the pulpit. We laugh because we see this behavior in our own lives. As the church, our relationships are often not reflections of Scripture but of the world. If wives are not submitting to and respecting their husbands as the head of their household and husbands are not loving and caring for their wives like Christ loves the church, why should we expect God to move in our families and in the church? What example are we setting for non-believers when our lives look just like theirs? How many marriages have ended in failure and how much of that could’ve been prevented just by following God’s Word? Wives, it is not our job to be the spiritual head of the household. It isn’t. Should we pray? Absolutely! Should we cover our husband and children in prayer? Yes! Should we be in the Word and lead by example? Yes! But men in our culture have been told that they’re toxic and that they’re unwanted and not needed. They have been emasculated by the media, politics, and yes, even the church. So how can we expect them to be leaders when they’re told just the opposite? We need men like Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, David, etc. They were not perfect, but they strived to be men of God, leading the people of Israel in strength and righteousness. Isn’t that the kind of husband you want leading your family? As women, don’t we want to honor God by how we treat our husbands? We have to stop caring if the world is offended by our behavior and get our hearts, minds, and attitudes back to the truth of God’s Word.
The world needs to see real love. Christ is the ultimate demonstration of that love, and our marriages should be a reflection of Christ’s love to His bride.
© Lauren Demuth
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